Friday, June 21, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Being a Dumb Girl
As soon as I hit publish on that last post, he texted me back..... after 3 hours. And it was the favorable pleasant response I had hoped for. He was in fact napping, as I had suspected.
That's Murphy's Law. I let myself get all girly and emotional and worked up. All that for nothing.
My gosh sometimes being a girl gets the best of me. I try not to let emotions rule me, like girls tend to do. I had trained myself to not be like that. Somehow I think I've reverted. Grrr! Yuck!
Anyway..... feeling much better and like a dumb girl!
-Perfectly Danielle
That's Murphy's Law. I let myself get all girly and emotional and worked up. All that for nothing.
My gosh sometimes being a girl gets the best of me. I try not to let emotions rule me, like girls tend to do. I had trained myself to not be like that. Somehow I think I've reverted. Grrr! Yuck!
Anyway..... feeling much better and like a dumb girl!
-Perfectly Danielle
Always Your Cutebutt
It's been almost a month since my last post, but not because I don't need to this forum to vent anymore. I've just been doing a pretty good job of brushing my feelings under the rug, or really just hiding them. I've always been good at hiding my emotions. When all this breakup stuff was fresh I wasn't able to hide my emotions. Now that's it's not quite as fresh I've started bottling things up again. It's not healthy, I know. I just don't know how to be any other way.
Since my last post the unboyfriend (that's seems easier to swallow than ex) and I have worked out together twice and went to a concert with little guy. Doing things together is painful, but nowhere near as painful as not seeing each other at all. I actually cry often, but no one knows (well except for you now). One week ago he made it very clear that he is still very attracted to me. For the last couple days now, he wont return my texts. We worked out and had dinner together a couple night ago. I'm so super confused!
That guy never does what's expected and until now I've always kind of liked that. I write him little letters here and there. I like the idea of writing actual words on paper. Seems more meaningful to me than any kind of electronic correspondence. Text and email seem so temporary. Written words can last forever. They're personal, from one person to another. You can touch and feel the words, put them in your pocket, take them with you. Kind of beautiful really. On Wednesday I gave him 2 letters I had written to him. Thursday morning I talked to him in text messages, but nothing since. I can't think of a single reason why he won't respond to my texts. It's breaking my heart all over again. Just when I was starting to think things were getting better. What the heck happened??
My only option left at this point is to be patient. I can't see anything else to do. I'm really hurting! I don't want to keep crying, but what I probably really need right now is a good cry. I don't want to lose my best friend, but my best friend isn't talking to me.
Until today I've been really good at shifting my sadness into self improvement. I'm not giving up on my self improvement mission in the least, I'm just feeling momentarily defeated by emotions. Wish I knew what to do!
I'll go to the gym tonight (like I often do). I'll continue to be his cutebutt. I'll keep hoping he reaches out to me (like any dumb girl does). Everything will be ok. That I'm still sure of.
Totally missing him,
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
Since my last post the unboyfriend (that's seems easier to swallow than ex) and I have worked out together twice and went to a concert with little guy. Doing things together is painful, but nowhere near as painful as not seeing each other at all. I actually cry often, but no one knows (well except for you now). One week ago he made it very clear that he is still very attracted to me. For the last couple days now, he wont return my texts. We worked out and had dinner together a couple night ago. I'm so super confused!
That guy never does what's expected and until now I've always kind of liked that. I write him little letters here and there. I like the idea of writing actual words on paper. Seems more meaningful to me than any kind of electronic correspondence. Text and email seem so temporary. Written words can last forever. They're personal, from one person to another. You can touch and feel the words, put them in your pocket, take them with you. Kind of beautiful really. On Wednesday I gave him 2 letters I had written to him. Thursday morning I talked to him in text messages, but nothing since. I can't think of a single reason why he won't respond to my texts. It's breaking my heart all over again. Just when I was starting to think things were getting better. What the heck happened??
My only option left at this point is to be patient. I can't see anything else to do. I'm really hurting! I don't want to keep crying, but what I probably really need right now is a good cry. I don't want to lose my best friend, but my best friend isn't talking to me.
Until today I've been really good at shifting my sadness into self improvement. I'm not giving up on my self improvement mission in the least, I'm just feeling momentarily defeated by emotions. Wish I knew what to do!
I'll go to the gym tonight (like I often do). I'll continue to be his cutebutt. I'll keep hoping he reaches out to me (like any dumb girl does). Everything will be ok. That I'm still sure of.
Totally missing him,
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
Friday, January 18, 2013
I Really Miss You.....
The truth is.......
I really miss you.
Pretty sure I'll never really be over you. Wherever you go, a piece of my heart goes with you. I hope you know that.
I've been working on me. Like really working and making positive progress. I feel good and it's simply because I'm doing things for myself and not for the benefit of anyone else. The gym is not a place I ever imagined myself spending much time, but somehow I'm really liking it. Going is just for me. It's good for my mind and body. I really really like it!
I've been applying for jobs, but not like in the past. I'm putting forth an effort and really putting my heart into it. Today I met with a recruiter. Why not let someone else help me find a job that's a good fit? It went really well! I was stoked. I'm still stoked! The lady I interviewed with liked me. I have a good feeling she is going to find me a job I'll be happy with. Honestly, right now, just about any job offering a paycheck will make me happy.
When you told me you're proud of me (with 2 !!) a couple nights ago, it really got me to thinking. There is no one I'd rather make proud. Even if just through a text message, it meant more to me than you may ever know. The fact is, I'm proud of me too. However, having it come from you made me feel really good. You've done lots of things to make me proud. I guess I never thought much about wanting to make you proud as well. I do want you to be proud of me. I really do!
I want you to be even more perfectly you and I will keep working on myself.
For now, I will just keep being......
Perfectly Danielle
I really miss you.
Pretty sure I'll never really be over you. Wherever you go, a piece of my heart goes with you. I hope you know that.
I've been working on me. Like really working and making positive progress. I feel good and it's simply because I'm doing things for myself and not for the benefit of anyone else. The gym is not a place I ever imagined myself spending much time, but somehow I'm really liking it. Going is just for me. It's good for my mind and body. I really really like it!
I've been applying for jobs, but not like in the past. I'm putting forth an effort and really putting my heart into it. Today I met with a recruiter. Why not let someone else help me find a job that's a good fit? It went really well! I was stoked. I'm still stoked! The lady I interviewed with liked me. I have a good feeling she is going to find me a job I'll be happy with. Honestly, right now, just about any job offering a paycheck will make me happy.
When you told me you're proud of me (with 2 !!) a couple nights ago, it really got me to thinking. There is no one I'd rather make proud. Even if just through a text message, it meant more to me than you may ever know. The fact is, I'm proud of me too. However, having it come from you made me feel really good. You've done lots of things to make me proud. I guess I never thought much about wanting to make you proud as well. I do want you to be proud of me. I really do!
I want you to be even more perfectly you and I will keep working on myself.
For now, I will just keep being......
Perfectly Danielle
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Check Me Out
I'm going full pace on the elliptical when my towel falls to the ground. I just looked at it and mumbled "dang it!" As a complete surprise to me, this cute guy picks up the sweaty gym towel, hands it to me with a smile and goes on his way.
It was so sweet! Who touches someone else's sweaty gym towel?? I'm pretty sure I'd be hesitant to touch anyone else's! Gross, right? Anyway..... I'm straying from my point.
Do you know how weird it is to start checking out guys again? I mean you spend a year plus on the arm of the guy you think is the one and no other guys ever even matter. I really never cared to look. I was completely content.
That nice simple gesture tonight, by a sweet stranger made me feel good. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to really start looking. That handsome guy I stared at, with starry eyes, for over a year is still very much on my mind.
How long is a healthy amount of time to grieve a broken relationship? When is it acceptable to move on?
I know there's a too soon. For me, I'm still waiting to have an actual grown-up conversation. I think I need that for healing and clarity and in order to move forward. Moving forward is not the same as moving on. We can talk about that another time....
I might sort of be a mess right now, but I'm.....
PERFECTLY DANIELLE!
It was so sweet! Who touches someone else's sweaty gym towel?? I'm pretty sure I'd be hesitant to touch anyone else's! Gross, right? Anyway..... I'm straying from my point.
Do you know how weird it is to start checking out guys again? I mean you spend a year plus on the arm of the guy you think is the one and no other guys ever even matter. I really never cared to look. I was completely content.
That nice simple gesture tonight, by a sweet stranger made me feel good. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to really start looking. That handsome guy I stared at, with starry eyes, for over a year is still very much on my mind.
How long is a healthy amount of time to grieve a broken relationship? When is it acceptable to move on?
I know there's a too soon. For me, I'm still waiting to have an actual grown-up conversation. I think I need that for healing and clarity and in order to move forward. Moving forward is not the same as moving on. We can talk about that another time....
I might sort of be a mess right now, but I'm.....
PERFECTLY DANIELLE!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Starting Over
This time I was sure I had found the one. I would look at him and just wonder how I was so lucky that he happened into my life. It was clearly meant to be! Or so I thought (and admittedly still kind of do). So what the heck happened? How has everything come to a screeching halt?
I want to divulge all kinds of details and maybe someday I will, but at this time it would not be fair to him and probably not to me either. I will leave it at this; there was some mental, not physical cheating happening.
How does someone in a committed relationship even allow himself to consider cheating? Can two people ever truly overcome this loss of trust?
There are so many questions running through my head.
I certainly didn't make him cheat, but I didn't do anything to make him not want to cheat either. While I take very little blame, I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done differently. Is a cheater's a cheater's a cheater? Or can someone slip up once and never go down that path again?
It's been a full week. He's still, in a sense, hiding from having a real conversation with me. Feels like my best friend has been ripped away from me and I'm just floundering here trying to find my barrings. This really sucks!
Such is my life....
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
I want to divulge all kinds of details and maybe someday I will, but at this time it would not be fair to him and probably not to me either. I will leave it at this; there was some mental, not physical cheating happening.
How does someone in a committed relationship even allow himself to consider cheating? Can two people ever truly overcome this loss of trust?
There are so many questions running through my head.
I certainly didn't make him cheat, but I didn't do anything to make him not want to cheat either. While I take very little blame, I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done differently. Is a cheater's a cheater's a cheater? Or can someone slip up once and never go down that path again?
It's been a full week. He's still, in a sense, hiding from having a real conversation with me. Feels like my best friend has been ripped away from me and I'm just floundering here trying to find my barrings. This really sucks!
Such is my life....
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
My Best Me
This fresh break-up has made me think and rethink everything in our relationship up to this point. Trust me, you can't make sense out of something that quite simply doesn't make sense.
So I've moved on (for now) from wondering what happened and what should have been done differently. Something got me thinking about if I had somehow changed at some point in the relationship. I have not changed, but rather stayed the same and therein lies the super big major problem! Don't worry. I'm not placing the blame on myself. I am, however, realizing that I am not entirely blameless. My focus has been on being a great mother and girlfriend, and I somehow forgot to be a great me.
What I'm about to do is expose my faults to you. It's kind of embarrassing and unabashedly true.
I am 31. My son and I live at home with my parents. I have a (very expensive) college degree in Fashion Design, that I don't use. I rarely exercise. I'm totally broke most of the time. I seriously lack organizational skills. And for the last year or so I have seemed content to just stagnate.
Where has my drive to succeed gone? Who would want to be with someone like that?
I talk about getting in shape. I look half-heartedly for a 'real' job. I think about getting organized. Yet what do I really do? NOT MUCH.
This is not who I want to be!
I'm on a mission to reclaim drive, passion, and a renewed zest for life!
From being sad and crying, I have lost 8 pounds (yes, in a week) (and yes, I know that's not healthy). So what better time to join the gym and actually get in shape? I joined on Monday, the 31st, went on Tuesday and Thursday. I always thought I'd hate the gym, until I went with the boyfriend ex-boyfriend and found out I kind of like it. It's early in the game, but I think I'm hooked!
I found a little part-time job that I can do from home. The pay is ok. Actually it's better than anything I see posted on Craigslist. The beauty of this job is that I can make some money while I keep looking for something else. Right now I think it would be cool to find a second part-time job. One I can do from home and one where I actually get out and interact with people.
Next up.... organization! You never know.... it might happen!
In one week I already feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction. I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm definitely feeling more....
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
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| Yogi Tea Says: The heart sees deeper than the eye. Thanks Yogi! |
So I've moved on (for now) from wondering what happened and what should have been done differently. Something got me thinking about if I had somehow changed at some point in the relationship. I have not changed, but rather stayed the same and therein lies the super big major problem! Don't worry. I'm not placing the blame on myself. I am, however, realizing that I am not entirely blameless. My focus has been on being a great mother and girlfriend, and I somehow forgot to be a great me.
What I'm about to do is expose my faults to you. It's kind of embarrassing and unabashedly true.
I am 31. My son and I live at home with my parents. I have a (very expensive) college degree in Fashion Design, that I don't use. I rarely exercise. I'm totally broke most of the time. I seriously lack organizational skills. And for the last year or so I have seemed content to just stagnate.
Where has my drive to succeed gone? Who would want to be with someone like that?
I talk about getting in shape. I look half-heartedly for a 'real' job. I think about getting organized. Yet what do I really do? NOT MUCH.
This is not who I want to be!
I'm on a mission to reclaim drive, passion, and a renewed zest for life!
From being sad and crying, I have lost 8 pounds (yes, in a week) (and yes, I know that's not healthy). So what better time to join the gym and actually get in shape? I joined on Monday, the 31st, went on Tuesday and Thursday. I always thought I'd hate the gym, until I went with the
I found a little part-time job that I can do from home. The pay is ok. Actually it's better than anything I see posted on Craigslist. The beauty of this job is that I can make some money while I keep looking for something else. Right now I think it would be cool to find a second part-time job. One I can do from home and one where I actually get out and interact with people.
Next up.... organization! You never know.... it might happen!
In one week I already feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction. I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm definitely feeling more....
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
Friday, January 4, 2013
Mental Check-In
It's Friday night and I'm home.... doing this. Seems like a pretty good time for a mental check-in!
What is thaaat?
I don't really know. Just as good a time as ever for me to take a few minutes and be really honest with myself.
It has been a really rough week. Rough, but full of positive direction. I spent the entire last weekend in my bed crying, reflecting, and texting with a few amazing friends. Sometime Sunday night, I could physically not cry anymore. I was sad and felt like crying, but could not actually do it. How weird is that? I think I was mentally exhausted and maybe a little dehydrated. Today, after a couple days of being ok, the waterworks started up a bit again. I'm feeling unstable and prone to small fits of tears.
I would tell you what happened with my boyfriend ex-boyfriend, but at this point it's still fresh and extremely personal. Last Friday night I found some stuff out and when I couldn't get a hold of him (because he was in the recording studio), I ended up writing a mad email. In this email I was very candid and level headed, and without thinking ahead, basically called off our almost year and a half long relationship. What he had done warranted this action, but breaking up without talking about it was not what I intended.
I'm hurting and he is reluctant to have a real conversation with me.
He's hurting and struggling. Actually I'm struggling too.
A week has gone by and this person, who I've never had any trouble talking to, is yet to have a convo with me face to face. We've texted throughout the week, but no real talk. It's kind of killing me. I just want him to look me in the eye and tell me what's going on with him. I really miss his hugs and feeling safe in his arms. I miss having my best friend to laugh with and look at and feel reassured.
Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I do.
While I know my boyfriend ex-boyfriend is in my life for a reason, I'm struggling to find answers. What's meant to be is meant to be. I should probably stop trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense and let this thing play its course. Would you be content to move on without actually talking?
What do you think? Are my feelings normal-ish? I'm weird, right? Or maybe I'm just......
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
What is thaaat?
I don't really know. Just as good a time as ever for me to take a few minutes and be really honest with myself.
It has been a really rough week. Rough, but full of positive direction. I spent the entire last weekend in my bed crying, reflecting, and texting with a few amazing friends. Sometime Sunday night, I could physically not cry anymore. I was sad and felt like crying, but could not actually do it. How weird is that? I think I was mentally exhausted and maybe a little dehydrated. Today, after a couple days of being ok, the waterworks started up a bit again. I'm feeling unstable and prone to small fits of tears.
I would tell you what happened with my
I'm hurting and he is reluctant to have a real conversation with me.
He's hurting and struggling. Actually I'm struggling too.
A week has gone by and this person, who I've never had any trouble talking to, is yet to have a convo with me face to face. We've texted throughout the week, but no real talk. It's kind of killing me. I just want him to look me in the eye and tell me what's going on with him. I really miss his hugs and feeling safe in his arms. I miss having my best friend to laugh with and look at and feel reassured.
Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I do.
While I know my
What do you think? Are my feelings normal-ish? I'm weird, right? Or maybe I'm just......
PERFECTLY DANIELLE
Perfectly Imperfect
I don't know what perfect is. Do you?
Even when I was a kid, I was sure I didn't want to be perfect or 'normal'. Normal always sounded really boring. To this day I still don't want to blend in.
I've never bought a designer purse (well ok, there was that one time....), or had a french manicure. I chose to travel right out of high school, rather than go straight to college. When I did go to college, I chose to pursue a specialized art degree. I got pregnant at 19 and became a really young mom.
In high school I was the girl who hung out with the boys. I was never like the boys, as in tomboy, I just hung out with them. Hanging with the boys was great. No drama, no competition, and no fakeness. This is something I carried with me into my adult life. Eventually I became friends with girls again, but my criteria for friends who are girls is different. My girl friends tend to have a similar outlook on life as my own.
At the core, I think of myself as this punk rock kid. I have had 4 gauge plugs in my ears since I was 20 (I'm 31 now) and I still love old school punk music. I get along best with musicians and other artsy types. This is likely why I always end up dating musicians, even though my friends and loved ones constantly warn me against it. And seriously considering the heart break I'm dealing with right this minute, maybe I should listen.
So anyway that 's just a little piece of me..... Perfectly Imperfect.....
PERFECTLY DANIELLE!
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