My Best Me

This fresh break-up has made me think and rethink everything in our relationship up to this point. Trust me, you can't make sense out of something that quite simply doesn't make sense.

Yogi Tea Says: The heart sees deeper than the eye. Thanks Yogi!

So I've moved on (for now) from wondering what happened and what should have been done differently. Something got me thinking about if I had somehow changed at some point in the relationship. I have not changed, but rather stayed the same and therein lies the super big major problem! Don't worry. I'm not placing the blame on myself. I am, however, realizing that I am not entirely blameless. My focus has been on being a great mother and girlfriend, and I somehow forgot to be a great me.

What I'm about to do is expose my faults to you. It's kind of embarrassing and unabashedly true.

I am 31. My son and I live at home with my parents. I have a (very expensive) college degree in Fashion Design, that I don't use. I rarely exercise. I'm totally broke most of the time. I seriously lack organizational skills. And for the last year or so I have seemed content to just stagnate.

Where has my drive to succeed gone? Who would want to be with someone like that?

I talk about getting in shape. I look half-heartedly for a 'real' job. I think about getting organized. Yet what do I really do? NOT MUCH.

This is not who I want to be!

I'm on a mission to reclaim drive, passion, and a renewed zest for life!

From being sad and crying, I have lost 8 pounds (yes, in a week) (and yes, I know that's not healthy). So what better time to join the gym and actually get in shape? I joined on Monday, the 31st, went on Tuesday and Thursday. I always thought I'd hate the gym, until I went with the  boyfriend  ex-boyfriend and found out I kind of like it. It's early in the game, but I think I'm hooked!

I found a little part-time job that I can do from home. The pay is ok. Actually it's better than anything I see posted on Craigslist. The beauty of this job is that I can make some money while I keep looking for something else. Right now I think it would be cool to find a second part-time job. One I can do from home and one where I actually get out and interact with people.

Next up.... organization! You never know.... it might happen!

In one week I already feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction. I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm definitely feeling more....

PERFECTLY DANIELLE

Mental Check-In

It's Friday night and I'm home.... doing this. Seems like a pretty good time for a mental check-in!

What is thaaat?

I don't really know. Just as good a time as ever for me to take a few minutes and be really honest with myself.

It has been a really rough week. Rough, but full of positive direction. I spent the entire last weekend in my bed crying, reflecting, and texting with a few amazing friends. Sometime Sunday night, I could physically not cry anymore. I was sad and felt like crying, but could not actually do it. How weird is that? I think I was mentally exhausted and maybe a little dehydrated. Today, after a couple days of being ok, the waterworks started up a bit again. I'm feeling unstable and prone to small fits of tears.

I would tell you what happened with my   boyfriend  ex-boyfriend, but at this point it's still fresh and extremely personal. Last Friday night I found some stuff out and when I couldn't get a hold of him (because he was in the recording studio), I ended up writing a mad email. In this email I was very candid and level headed, and without thinking ahead, basically called off our almost year and a half long relationship. What he had done warranted this action, but breaking up without talking about it was not what I intended.

I'm hurting and he is reluctant to have a real conversation with me.

He's hurting and struggling. Actually I'm struggling too.

A week has gone by and this person, who I've never had any trouble talking to, is yet to have a convo with me face to face. We've texted throughout the week, but no real talk.  It's kind of killing me. I just want him to look me in the eye and tell me what's going on with him. I really miss his hugs and feeling safe in his arms. I miss having my best friend to laugh with and look at and feel reassured.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I do.

While I know my  boyfriend  ex-boyfriend is in my life for a reason, I'm struggling to find answers. What's meant to be is meant to be. I should probably stop trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense and let this thing play its course. Would you be content to move on without actually talking?

What do you think? Are my feelings normal-ish? I'm weird, right? Or maybe I'm just......

PERFECTLY DANIELLE

Perfectly Imperfect

I don't know what perfect is. Do you?

Even when I was a kid, I was sure I didn't want to be perfect or 'normal'. Normal always sounded really boring. To this day I still don't want to blend in.

I've never bought a designer purse (well ok, there was that one time....), or had a french manicure. I chose to travel right out of high school, rather than go straight to college. When I did go to college, I chose to pursue a specialized art degree. I got pregnant at 19 and became a really young mom.

In high school I was the girl who hung out with the boys. I was never like the boys, as in tomboy, I just hung out with them. Hanging with the boys was great. No drama, no competition, and no fakeness. This is something I carried with me into my adult life. Eventually I became friends with girls again, but my criteria for friends who are girls is different. My girl friends tend to have a similar outlook on life as my own.

At the core, I think of myself as this punk rock kid. I have had 4 gauge plugs in my ears since I was 20 (I'm 31 now) and I still love old school punk music. I get along best with musicians and other artsy types. This is likely why I always end up dating musicians, even though my friends and loved ones constantly warn me against it. And seriously considering the heart break I'm dealing with right this minute, maybe I should listen.

So anyway that 's just a little piece of me..... Perfectly Imperfect.....

PERFECTLY DANIELLE!