I Really Miss You.....

The truth is.......

I really miss you.

Pretty sure I'll never really be over you. Wherever you go, a piece of my heart goes with you. I hope you know that.

I've been working on me. Like really working and making positive progress. I feel good and it's simply because I'm doing things for myself and not for the benefit of anyone else. The gym is not a place I ever imagined myself spending much time, but somehow I'm really liking it. Going is just for me. It's good for my mind and body. I really really like it!

I've been applying for jobs, but not like in the past. I'm putting forth an effort and really putting my heart into it. Today I met with a recruiter. Why not let someone else help me find a job that's a good fit? It went really well! I was stoked. I'm still stoked! The lady I interviewed with liked me. I have a good feeling she is going to find me a job I'll be happy with. Honestly, right now, just about any job offering a paycheck will make me happy.

When you told me you're proud of me (with 2 !!) a couple nights ago, it really got me to thinking. There is no one I'd rather make proud. Even if just through a text message, it meant more to me than you may ever know. The fact is, I'm proud of me too. However, having it come from you made me feel really good. You've done lots of things to make me proud. I guess I never thought much about wanting to make you proud as well. I do want you to be proud of me. I really do!

I want you to be even more perfectly you and I will keep working on myself.

For now, I will just keep being......

Perfectly Danielle

Starting Over

This time I was sure I had found the one. I would look at him and just wonder how I was so lucky that he happened into my life. It was clearly meant to be! Or so I thought (and admittedly still kind of do). So what the heck happened? How has everything come to a screeching halt?

I want to divulge all kinds of details and maybe someday I will, but at this time it would not be fair to him and probably not to me either. I will leave it at this; there was some mental, not physical cheating happening.

How does someone in a committed relationship even allow himself to consider cheating? Can two people ever truly overcome this loss of trust?

There are so many questions running through my head.

I certainly didn't make him cheat, but I didn't do anything to make him not want to cheat either. While I take very little blame, I can't help but wonder if there was something I could have done differently. Is a cheater's a cheater's a cheater? Or can someone slip up once and never go down that path again?

It's been a full week. He's still, in a sense, hiding from having a real conversation with me. Feels like my best friend has been ripped away from me and I'm just floundering here trying to find my barrings. This really sucks!

Such is my life....

PERFECTLY DANIELLE

Mental Check-In

It's Friday night and I'm home.... doing this. Seems like a pretty good time for a mental check-in!

What is thaaat?

I don't really know. Just as good a time as ever for me to take a few minutes and be really honest with myself.

It has been a really rough week. Rough, but full of positive direction. I spent the entire last weekend in my bed crying, reflecting, and texting with a few amazing friends. Sometime Sunday night, I could physically not cry anymore. I was sad and felt like crying, but could not actually do it. How weird is that? I think I was mentally exhausted and maybe a little dehydrated. Today, after a couple days of being ok, the waterworks started up a bit again. I'm feeling unstable and prone to small fits of tears.

I would tell you what happened with my   boyfriend  ex-boyfriend, but at this point it's still fresh and extremely personal. Last Friday night I found some stuff out and when I couldn't get a hold of him (because he was in the recording studio), I ended up writing a mad email. In this email I was very candid and level headed, and without thinking ahead, basically called off our almost year and a half long relationship. What he had done warranted this action, but breaking up without talking about it was not what I intended.

I'm hurting and he is reluctant to have a real conversation with me.

He's hurting and struggling. Actually I'm struggling too.

A week has gone by and this person, who I've never had any trouble talking to, is yet to have a convo with me face to face. We've texted throughout the week, but no real talk.  It's kind of killing me. I just want him to look me in the eye and tell me what's going on with him. I really miss his hugs and feeling safe in his arms. I miss having my best friend to laugh with and look at and feel reassured.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I do.

While I know my  boyfriend  ex-boyfriend is in my life for a reason, I'm struggling to find answers. What's meant to be is meant to be. I should probably stop trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense and let this thing play its course. Would you be content to move on without actually talking?

What do you think? Are my feelings normal-ish? I'm weird, right? Or maybe I'm just......

PERFECTLY DANIELLE