Always Your Cutebutt

It's been almost a month since my last post, but not because I don't need to this forum to vent anymore. I've just been doing a pretty good job of brushing my feelings under the rug, or really just hiding them. I've always been good at hiding my emotions. When all this breakup stuff was fresh I wasn't able to hide my emotions. Now that's it's not quite as fresh I've started bottling things up again. It's not healthy, I know. I just don't know how to be any other way.

Since my last post the unboyfriend (that's seems easier to swallow than ex) and I have worked out together twice and went to a concert with little guy. Doing things together is painful, but nowhere near as painful as not seeing each other at all. I actually cry often, but no one knows (well except for you now). One week ago he made it very clear that he is still very attracted to me. For the last couple days now, he wont return my texts. We worked out and had dinner together a couple night ago. I'm so super confused!

That guy never does what's expected and until now I've always kind of liked that. I write him little letters here and there. I like the idea of writing actual words on paper. Seems more meaningful to me than any kind of electronic correspondence.  Text and email seem so temporary. Written words can last forever. They're personal, from one person to another. You can touch and feel the words, put them in your pocket, take them with you. Kind of beautiful really. On Wednesday I gave him 2 letters I had written to him. Thursday morning I talked to him in text messages, but nothing since. I can't think of a single reason why he won't respond to my texts. It's breaking my heart all over again. Just when I was starting to think things were getting better. What the heck happened??

My only option left at this point is to be patient. I can't see anything else to do. I'm really hurting! I don't want to keep crying, but what I probably really need right now is a good cry. I don't want to lose my best friend, but my best friend isn't talking to me.

Until today I've been really good at shifting my sadness into self improvement. I'm not giving up on my self improvement mission in the least, I'm just feeling momentarily defeated by emotions. Wish I knew what to do!

I'll go to the gym tonight (like I often do). I'll continue to be his cutebutt. I'll keep hoping he reaches out to me (like any dumb girl does). Everything will be ok. That I'm still sure of.

Totally missing him,
PERFECTLY DANIELLE

My Best Me

This fresh break-up has made me think and rethink everything in our relationship up to this point. Trust me, you can't make sense out of something that quite simply doesn't make sense.

Yogi Tea Says: The heart sees deeper than the eye. Thanks Yogi!

So I've moved on (for now) from wondering what happened and what should have been done differently. Something got me thinking about if I had somehow changed at some point in the relationship. I have not changed, but rather stayed the same and therein lies the super big major problem! Don't worry. I'm not placing the blame on myself. I am, however, realizing that I am not entirely blameless. My focus has been on being a great mother and girlfriend, and I somehow forgot to be a great me.

What I'm about to do is expose my faults to you. It's kind of embarrassing and unabashedly true.

I am 31. My son and I live at home with my parents. I have a (very expensive) college degree in Fashion Design, that I don't use. I rarely exercise. I'm totally broke most of the time. I seriously lack organizational skills. And for the last year or so I have seemed content to just stagnate.

Where has my drive to succeed gone? Who would want to be with someone like that?

I talk about getting in shape. I look half-heartedly for a 'real' job. I think about getting organized. Yet what do I really do? NOT MUCH.

This is not who I want to be!

I'm on a mission to reclaim drive, passion, and a renewed zest for life!

From being sad and crying, I have lost 8 pounds (yes, in a week) (and yes, I know that's not healthy). So what better time to join the gym and actually get in shape? I joined on Monday, the 31st, went on Tuesday and Thursday. I always thought I'd hate the gym, until I went with the  boyfriend  ex-boyfriend and found out I kind of like it. It's early in the game, but I think I'm hooked!

I found a little part-time job that I can do from home. The pay is ok. Actually it's better than anything I see posted on Craigslist. The beauty of this job is that I can make some money while I keep looking for something else. Right now I think it would be cool to find a second part-time job. One I can do from home and one where I actually get out and interact with people.

Next up.... organization! You never know.... it might happen!

In one week I already feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction. I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I'm definitely feeling more....

PERFECTLY DANIELLE

Mental Check-In

It's Friday night and I'm home.... doing this. Seems like a pretty good time for a mental check-in!

What is thaaat?

I don't really know. Just as good a time as ever for me to take a few minutes and be really honest with myself.

It has been a really rough week. Rough, but full of positive direction. I spent the entire last weekend in my bed crying, reflecting, and texting with a few amazing friends. Sometime Sunday night, I could physically not cry anymore. I was sad and felt like crying, but could not actually do it. How weird is that? I think I was mentally exhausted and maybe a little dehydrated. Today, after a couple days of being ok, the waterworks started up a bit again. I'm feeling unstable and prone to small fits of tears.

I would tell you what happened with my   boyfriend  ex-boyfriend, but at this point it's still fresh and extremely personal. Last Friday night I found some stuff out and when I couldn't get a hold of him (because he was in the recording studio), I ended up writing a mad email. In this email I was very candid and level headed, and without thinking ahead, basically called off our almost year and a half long relationship. What he had done warranted this action, but breaking up without talking about it was not what I intended.

I'm hurting and he is reluctant to have a real conversation with me.

He's hurting and struggling. Actually I'm struggling too.

A week has gone by and this person, who I've never had any trouble talking to, is yet to have a convo with me face to face. We've texted throughout the week, but no real talk.  It's kind of killing me. I just want him to look me in the eye and tell me what's going on with him. I really miss his hugs and feeling safe in his arms. I miss having my best friend to laugh with and look at and feel reassured.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I do.

While I know my  boyfriend  ex-boyfriend is in my life for a reason, I'm struggling to find answers. What's meant to be is meant to be. I should probably stop trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense and let this thing play its course. Would you be content to move on without actually talking?

What do you think? Are my feelings normal-ish? I'm weird, right? Or maybe I'm just......

PERFECTLY DANIELLE